


Let's Talk about Sex

by herecomesawkward



Series: The Thrilling, Romantic Saga of Tim Drake and Conner Kent [4]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman and Robin (Comics), DCU, DCU (Comics), Detective Comics (Comics), Red Robin (Comics), Robin (Comics), Superboy (Comics), Young Justice (Comics)
Genre: Batfamily, Bruce Wayne's A+ Parenting, Bruce Wayne's Parenting, Conner Kent is horny and in love, Crack, Fluff, Good Significant Other Kon-El | Conner Kent, I think?, M/M, Ma Kent is in this in spirit and mild threats, No beta we die like mne, Protective Bruce Wayne, Sex talks, Shovel talks, Super Boyfriend Conner Kent, Tim Drake is Red Robin, Timkon, bruce wayne is an emotionally constipated walnut, no editing we die like robins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:07:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26447551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herecomesawkward/pseuds/herecomesawkward
Summary: Kon raised his hand and Batman stopped mid-sentence.“Yes, Conner?”“Uh, can I be honest, Mr. Batman…Sir!” Kon felt the need to straighten in his chair at the glare the man sent his way. “This seems…”“Gross?” Tim interjected.AKAConner and Tim are dating so Bruce gives them a lecture on alien STD's. It could've gone better but it also could've gone a lot worse.
Relationships: Tim Drake & Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake/Kon-El | Conner Kent
Series: The Thrilling, Romantic Saga of Tim Drake and Conner Kent [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1468228
Comments: 2
Kudos: 250





	Let's Talk about Sex

**Author's Note:**

> I love the whole "I am darkness, I am the night, I am BATMAN" but he's also a single father of 6 with emotional constipation. Hence, this. DC needs to produce more single dad Bruce Wayne because the drama alone would be fucking ICONIC.

Kon really liked kissing Tim. It was, in fact, one of his favorite activities. Which is why he was very put out that Tim was currently unable to be kissed. Well, it was less that Tim was un-kissable (because in Kon’s opinion, Tim was and always would be really, very, _extremely_ kissable) and more that instead of the extremely romantic date night he had planned, he was being given a “talk” by Batman.

Normally, Kon could handle “talks.” He was Superboy, for crying out loud! One of his nemeses was his own damn father. Well, one of two fathers. And to be fair, when he wasn’t making or employing a weapon of mass destruction, Lex was actually a pretty chill dude. Hell, he was the one to teach Kon how to drive.

Of course, three days later Lex had used a giant robot destroy Metropolis and Kon had gotten punched through four different buildings, but it was the thought that counted.

But this talk? Nothing in his geno-morph, Luthor, Kryptonian, or Kent education had prepared him for the hell he was currently sitting through: a thoroughly researched slideshow on alien STD’s.

With graphics.

Kon hadn’t known penises could turn that color and frankly, he could have gone his entire life without that knowledge.

But the fact remained that instead of kissing his super sexy, super-hot, super smart boyfriend, he was being informed by said boyfriend’s father about the symptoms and lack of treatment options for “sexually transmitted diseases and infections of off-earth origin.”

Not only was that a direct quote from three different slides of the presentation, it was the title.

Apparently, while some STD’s were treatable, all but three of the non-earth variety were fatal. Okay, not fatal. But they did involve either the withering or explosion of external sex organs, so Kon assumed that one would wish they were dead.

To add insult to injury regarding Kon’s current predicament, Tim had turned cherry red twenty-four seconds after the first slide popped up and had remained at that level for the past ten minutes. Kon’s boyfriend was surprisingly – or not that surprisingly if one considered the weird shit that Gotham regularly produced – not an easy person to embarrass. Kon knew this fact well, because when he had first met Rob, he had _tried_.

Nothing had worked.

That knowledge had made the moment all the sweeter when he had made Tim blush for the first time. Of course, said moment had been when the smaller man was completely naked and Kon had been about to be balls deep inside him, which probably had had something to do with it. But the fact remained that the only time the calm and controlled Red Robin was able to be embarrassed was when he was naked and in Kon’s bed. Or Tim’s bed at Titan Tower. Or the hayloft back in Smallville. Or the wall near a safehouse in Old Gotham.

All that was to say that Kon associated Tim blushing bright red with Tim being naked and having fantastic sex with him, if he did say so himself. So, a lobster red Tim plus Kon’s general state of teenaged horniess equaled an extremely turned-on Conner Kent.

And even a truly grisly slideshow on the horrors of unprotected sex with aliens was no match for that.

Hence, Kon’s current predicament – his sporting a massive hard-on from his boyfriend’s blush in spite of being shown graphic photos that featured not only discolored genitalia but discolored genitalia covered in things he didn’t even want to consider.

This was really not his day.

Kon shifted uncomfortably in his chair, wondering if he could use his superspeed to escape to the bathroom – or better yet, back to Smallville. Ma would hide him, wouldn’t she? No, she liked Tim too much and would be mad at him for abandoning him. Actually, she’d be disappointed which was so much worse.

He was screwed. Kon scratched the back of his head and tried to avoid looking full-on at the graphic on the screen. God this sucked. And honestly…holy shit he was a fucking genius.

Actually, Kon amended, he was fucking a genius. And apparently, some of his boyfriend’s genius-ness had rubbed off on him

Heh, rubbed off.

Kon raised his hand and Batman stopped midsentence.

“Yes, Conner?”

“Uh, can I be honest, Mr. Batman…Sir!” Kon felt the need to straighten in his chair at the glare the man sent his way. “This seems…”

“Gross?” Tim interjected.

“Insulting.” Suddenly, both Tim and Bru-Batm-Mr. Wayne were looking at him and Kon took a deep breath. Here went nothing. And by nothing, he meant the possibility of never having to look at what remained of penises after they had begun emitting black ooze.

“This presentation seems aimed at me, since out of the eight different STD’s you’ve mentioned, only three can affect humans and of those three, two are passable only through alien species that are incompatible sexually with humans. And I mean, yeah the remaining one isn’t great for humans, but I guess that’s where my issue is.

“I may be an idiot occasionally, but I’m not stupid. Sir. Yes, I’ve had sex before Tim but I used a condom every time, not to mention that my previous partners were humans or immune to non-magical diseases. Tim is beyond smart and was throwing condoms at my head before we even liked each other, let alone became friends.”

Kon was on a roll now, and he totally understood why Tim wanted to be right all the time, it was a great feeling.

“But you already know that, Mr. Wayne. So if you don’t think I already have an STD or have gotten one before, you either think that I’m going to cheat on Tim with an alien; which really isn’t likely since he’s fucking amazing. And honestly sir, as great as the sex is, the fact that Rob agrees to be with me, let alone call me his boyfriend is honestly all I really need. Tim doesn’t just like me because I’m pretty, but because I’m smart. Not as smart as him obviously, but let’s be real, nobody is. Tim’s just great like that.”

Kon just had to turn to smile at Tim and damn, there was really nothing better than dopily grinning at the man you were head over heels for and to find him grinning just as hard back at you.

“And so this isn’t a PowerPoint on the dangers of unprotected sex, Mr. Wayne, this is a threat.”

“A threat?” The Batman just raised an eyebrow and leaned back against the wall, gesturing for Conner to continue.

“A threat. My reputation isn’t great and you think that if Tim and I break up, it’ll be because I cheated on him or hurt him, both of which mean that I could understandably comedown with some kind of STD and no one would be surprised.

“Except for one thing, Mr. Wayne – you’re not giving Tim enough credit. You’re insulting me by thinking so little of me and you’re insulting Tim by thinking so little of him. Tim is perfectly capable of hurting me by himself sir. He doesn’t need your help.

“I understand that Tim is your son, sir and you want the best for him because you love him. But I love him too, and I would never do anything to hurt him. He’s the best thing to have ever happened to me, and I would never mess it up. Ever. So, um…yeah.”

Kon took a deep breath and found he had nothing else to say. Mr. Wayne was still leaning against the wall, but his resting grumpy face had loosened somewhat and if Kon didn’t know better, he’d think the older man was amused. Tim squeezed his hand and Kon looked over to see his adorable, wonderful boyfriend smiling at him so damn sweetly that Kon was pretty sure he just fell more in love with him.

“I-” Mr. Wayne paused for a moment, seemingly to gather his patience. “That was-”

“That was amazing, Kon!” God, Tim was pretty. Conner could barely focus on anything else as he watched Tim talk. “Don’t you agree?”

“Huh?” Kon blinked a bit, only to see both Batman and Tim looking at him, Tim amusedly, Batman like he wanted to rip out his internal organs with a dull batarang.

“Ye-yeah, Tim, whatever you say.” Tim’s lips twitched in a smirk as Mr. Wayne walked away. Kon just took a moment to appreciate the fact that he had just told off the Batman and lived.

Yeah, Batman didn’t kill and all, but from what Kon had gleaned over the years, Batman wouldn’t kill you but he would make you wish you were dead.

“So, we’re good?” Conner looked up at Tim, as he let the smaller man pull him to his feet and lead him away.

“Yup.”

“No more gross lectures?”

“Yup.”

“No more Bat threats?” Tim paused at the door to his room.

“That I can’t promise you.”

“No more spoken disapproval?”

“Yup.”

“No-Tim why are you taking your-”

“Shut up Kon."

“Yup.”


End file.
